"Buyin you Taco Bell, but a pimp eatin steak/ cornbread, collard greens, chittaleeens (read:chitlins) on on ma plate" - The Legendary Project Pat

First off, big up to my ATL crew for showin love in my week hiatus to the dirty dirty. Trip, Dee, Supa Dave West, Gene, Kaos, Marcel, Jax and the Binkis crew, Dainja, JMills, Vance Wright, Randall Moore, Spearhead X, Diamond D, Professor Griff and the 5 million folks I met. Big up!!

ALBUM OF THE MONTH

DJ ASSAULT-ASSAULTLAND

I doubt y'all heard of this. I doubt you'll ever find this. It came out low budget style in 2000. Big up to DJ Contakt for gettin me this local indy Detroit shit. Assault is known for ghetto tech and booty shake shit, but this is his rap album, and boy is this shit ign'ant! "Money, Bitches and Bulletholes" is a title that pretty much sums it up.There's a wealth of great politically incorrect shit and classic skits here, but the winner is "Late Night Romance". This song, in addition to too many wack nights in clubs and my disdain for dancing were the prime influences for "Disco Ho", one of my personal favorite J-Zone songs. Check the chorus (echoes my feelings completely), sung in a nice ghetto falsetto:

Late night romance
You might stand a chance (I'm in the club nigga)
Don't ask no hoes to dance (Don't ask that bitch to dance)
Don't buy no drinks, late night romance

Yeah! Fuck a dance and a drink, bitch. I want some late night romance!

OL SCHOOL BROAD OF THE MONTH

JACKEE

I can't remember if I did her already (haha, believe me, if I meant did her in THAT way, I wouldn't forget!). I mean I can't remember if I covered her for this column. Either way, I wanted to nail this broad all through the 80's as a horny lil kid. And I wanna bang her even more as a horny adult in 2006. Now that 227 is back on reruns on TV, I watch every day just scopin her in fantasyland as she plays Sandra Clark, a flirty ass tenant on the show. I know either Lester, Calvin or the mailman had to have hit this behind the scenes, or at least copped a feel. But damn, was Jackee fine. But pretty girls are trouble, just as Sandra/Jackee on 227 and all the girls I ever been involved with in real life that were pretty, so my standards are droppin everyday to avoid headache and droughts. I'll take a bald midget that ain't crazy at this point!!

NBA REAL TAWK

OK, I could be here all day. I got too much to say, so I'll make everything short and to the point.

THE FINALS?

OK OK. I'll man up to my Dallas in 6 talk. Was the reffing suspect? Yeah, hell yeah. But that don't erase the fact that my boys disappeared as the series went on. I just KNEW I was gonna run my fuckin mouth to y'all and rub it on on my pops (he lives in Miami) when Dallas was up 2-0. Then he happened. Then they didn't happen. Meaning Dwayne Wade proceeded to shit all over the Texans singlehandedly and team Cuban turned to team Losin. Dirk? JT? Devin? No answer. Librarians. Dwayne Wade? A fuckin Anthrax/Public Enemy mash up. And fuck what yall say, Dwayne Wade ends up being the fuckin MVP, despite the crazy shit Kobe and LeBron did all season. And fuck what y'all say, he did it damn near by himself. Yeah, havin a fuckin dinosaur as a center helps and Walker and Mourning stepped up in the final game. But Wade won that shit for self for the most part. Give him a cape. I don't wanna hear about the Heat roleplayers, but is that a dis to the Heat or the Mavs? The whole Heat staff owes Dwayne Wade cause for the most part they didnt do much, but that makes Dallas look pretty crap. They let one man come in and spank em. Next year? The Mavs are a great team, but with a healthy Tim PUNKan and a returning Amare...Dallas got some heat (no pun intended). But I picked the Heat to win it in November and the lesson here is stick by your first instinct. And I'm not a Heat hater, I'm glad Zo got his ring and my boy Gary Payton got his too (even though he threw the fuckin ball away beefin with a ref). Stuuuuuupid! I got love for GP though, he's got a rap career as a hyphy artist on the horizon. Oaktown!

THE DRAFT?

Say it ain't so. Please tell me I'm dreaming. Rolando who? WHO?!!? WHO!?!?! The Knicks picked WHO!??! That pick was a Not Top 10 for Sportscenter. Fuckin punk Isiah...I can't say it. They arrest people for sayin shit like I wanna say cause they'll consider it a terrorist threat. I mean c'mon. I know we don't need no more guards, but Marcus Williams would be a good pick for my hometown team, and get rid of Steve "I Wanna Start but I play WNBA caliber basketball" Francis and that other lightbulb head born to lose punk guard. But noooo, we can't trade nobody cause of the salaries and we're tryin to run uptempo offense with these ol' fossilized guards. And our #2 pick and chance to get a player like Adam Morrison who could actually help us? We lost that? Did we? Oh yeah we did!!!! Who did we get for it, KG, Iverson, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce? Who? Eddy Curry? You mean Big Breakfast, slow non-foulshot makin zero?! He makes the fourth ghost on Ms. Pac Man look like Flo Jo. I'd rather have Mr. Belvedere as my center, at least we get baked goods after the game, and he'll move just as quick as Curry. But you wanna run uptempo. OK Isiah. Fuck you for fuckin up my hometown team, I hope y'all lose every fuckin game from now til they fire your ass. I tried to be optimistic and support, but the last year and a half has been the biggest NBA mismanagement debauchery I've ever seen and just to be a good sport I'm buyin season tickets. And Imma ride that A train for an hour just to get to MSG and boo the shit outta you and your punk ass team of bitch made soft aloe & lanolin ball players. Fuck yall...Now, back to the draft. Marcus Williams is my boy cause he stole some computers at UCONN. Fuck that school, they got enough fuckin money as it is. Plus he's a good pure PG who can score if need be. Comin up under Jason Kidd will be some good shit for him, he's got a nice future. Don't sleep on the Nets. The East looks to be improving if shit pans out. Toronto will be young and exciting with plenty of potential even though they mey not win at first, and the Bulls, with the right offseason moves, can really rep this year. Adam Morrison should be nice if he steps up his defense. But the biggest draft steal and the only thing to put a smile on my face with all the Knicks' ho moves was my boy Quincy Douby gettin with Sacramento. I saw Douby play high school ball at Grady high in Brooklyn back in 2001-02 and this dude is real. He went 18 of 21 from 3 point range in a game (not a misprint) for 63 points and was part of one of the best eras of NYC public high school basketball in recent years. Him, Sebastian Telfair at Lincoln (should do well in Boston and will man up his punk ass cousin Starbury),Gary Ervin at Robeson (Arkansas), Rashon Clark at Beach Channel (Iowa State), Rich Forbes at Far Rockaway...those were the days when I would decline shows to catch high school basketball games and drive my music partners crazy. Douby killed em at Rutgers too, and he's 1,000,000 times better than JJ Redick (mandatory Duke hatin) in my opinion. His range is the whole fuckin gym. Shit, with Douby, Artest, Bibby and Kevin Martin? Is the unthinkable happening?!?!? J-Zone a Sacramento Kings fan!?! VERY possible in 06-07. Can't wait til November 1....and if I didn't say it before, FUCK THE KN...no more wasted ink, I'm done.